Why We Push Love Away: Healing Fear, Heartbreak, and Trust

Introduction

Welcome back to Wondered Bliss. I’m Kevin Faulkner—an artist, poet, and someone who’s wrestled deeply with love, fear, and relationships. This isn’t to say I’ve been unkind or unloving—but I’ve been uncommitted, afraid to trust, and terrified to be vulnerable. And every time I’ve tried to lean into love, it’s blown up in my face. Still… here I am, trying again.

Because I’ve realized: the fear of being hurt can’t outweigh the desire to grow.

Fear and the Fragility of Love

Even when I tried to love fully, I’d hold myself back. I kept people at arm’s length—convinced that it would end anyway. And when that thought is circling in your head… it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You act out of fear. You overreact. You shut down. I’ve done it, more than once. And yet, there’s a truth I can’t deny: if you’re constantly expecting things to fall apart, they will.

Learning the Hard Way

For a long time, I didn’t chase love—I chased pleasure. I was hedonistic, rebellious, and looking for an escape. I filled my days with parties and highs, looking for consistency in all the wrong places. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t fulfilled. And even though I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, I know I did. Hearts were broken—mine included. The guilt never left me. Because no matter how detached I tried to stay, something deep inside knew: this isn’t who I want to be.

Cycles, Scars, and Self-Sabotage

We all want love. But when we’re raised on shaky foundations, we start to doubt it early. My parents fought for years before divorcing when I was 15. My first relationship mirrored their chaos. After that, I gave up. I didn’t believe in love anymore—only in lust, and the illusion of connection. And society? It seemed to back me up. Divorce rates, cheating apps, sex-driven culture—it all looked like proof that love was doomed. But I didn’t realize I was looking through a lens of pain.

“You find what you expect—and I was expecting heartbreak.”

How I Began to Heal

Eventually, I got tired. I stepped away from dating. I damn near smoked myself to death, I was so depressed. But thank God for it. That distance brought clarity. That silence brought healing. And I began to see: I wasn’t just a victim of bad luck. I was choosing pain, repeating old patterns, and sabotaging anything good before it had the chance to grow.

Trusting Again—Even While It’s Scary

I’m in a new relationship now. It’s beautiful, and it still terrifies me. But something’s different. I’m learning to trust—because I’ve been learning to trust God (or the universe, or whatever name you give to the source of life). And when I trust that I’m being led toward growth, even the scary stuff becomes worth it. No, I’m not perfect. But I’ve dropped a lot of my bitterness. I’ve changed my habits. I’m building something real.

“If you keep love at a distance, you’ll never know its value.”

Closing Thoughts: Jump All In

Even when I used to “try,” I wasn’t all in. And relationships don’t survive half-measures. You’ve got to leap. All of you.Because holding back creates cracks—and cracks break trust.

We deserve better than the lives we live when we’re scared. And love… real love… is worth everything. It heals what fear fractures. It teaches us who we are.

And yes, you might get hurt again. That risk is always there. But if you stay open, and learn from it—without closing your heart—you will find everything you’ve been looking for.

Want More?

What Struggle Brings and The Melancholy Swells are two books I wrote during the peaks and valleys of this journey. They’re honest, emotional, and rooted in the same truths I’ve shared here. Explore the books and grab a copy from the shop.

Or catch more like this on the Wondered Bliss Podcast.

Thanks for reading.

Have a beautiful day. And love boldly, even when you’re scared.– Kevin